Stomach crawling out of an abdomen. Heart ripped from a chest. Soul laid bear on a floor. Body alone in fetal position.
This was never where she thought she would end up, especially not because of him. If she’s honest, she knew that she was capable of this but she’s spent her entire life trying to prevent it. Being who you are is one of the most difficult things to do when who you are is a the opposite of who you want to be perceived as.
Strong and independent are the words she always wanted to be used to describe her. Yet, when your soul is overly sensitive and everything felt is sensed in every nerve ending, every atom it is extremely difficult to be either of those things. Knowing you are capable of falling hard enough that not only do you hit the bottom, but every jagged edge on the way down; it makes you so cautious. Certain to avoid it at all cost.
Nearly a quarter of a century, she hadn’t let it happen. First love isn’t a thing for someone like her. First love is also the only and last love. He was so inconsequential to her the day they met and for months after. He never crossed her mind and she never considered anything about him other than just being a person in her general area. Eventually that turned into a friendship that she adored and wanted in her life. Then one day, he was everything. The first thought she had in the morning, the thought she had with every second of the day, the last thing she thought of before bed and also every dream.
He was indecisive, played with her. Go back and forth. Wanting her to just wanting friendship. Years, and then it was final. He had decided to not want her, to make a final decision. Months since that final decision and every contact with him has broken her more and more. The love she feels for him is so strong that it controls nearly every action. Finally in a place to try to move on, trying to keep distance but he keeps appearing.
Reaching the limit is why she lays here, broken, unable to move. His rejection has engulfed her entirely. She can’t let go……she still dreams of them together nearly every night. She remembers the dream last night as it plays over and over again in her mind. Her depression which in no way is his fault decided to take hold of him in her mind last night. Dreaming of a wedding, a marriage, something she’s never truly wanted but in that dream she had found someone. Someone who didn’t keep her waiting around with the hope of change. The man loved her completely, as he was about to say I do a figure walked through the door. As she saw the face of the figure, everything else disappeared. It was just them in a void as he said the things she always wanted…..he loved her. She ran from the wedding with him the moment he asked, she never looked back. Than as the doors to the church closed her loves face and sound changed. The depression was controlling the next words, all the nightmare thoughts, the horrible things she has said to herself for her entire life…flowing from his mouth almost like a song to her heart; a deadly song.
The result is this moment, on her bed, alone in a foreign country, unable to move, feeling as though her stomach is trying to crawl from her body as her heart is being ripped from its chest. She stares into the eyes; the sad eyes of her soul are holding her dead lifeless gaze, unable to turn away. Will she ever be able to function again? Will he ever lose control of her? You’d think she would hope for the release of the strings, but it is the opposite. She has come accustomed to the strings, she needs them. They just fit easily into her soul’s chest that it is almost as though they were always there.
Release may never come.