What do you do when you feel the depression trying to take hold of you? or to push yourself out of it’s grasp? It took me hold yesterday, I slept too long and ate my day away. Even when I was super full, I just still kept eating. This morning it took all my strength to get up and go to work. It’s an orchard and you basically just show up when you get a text, their group message doesn’t work properly so I don’t get it so most days I just show up for the usual time. You can take the days off you want mostly. Today I took 30 minutes to get out of bed and then it took me 5 minutes longer to get ready because I kept having to stop and talk myself into going.
I finally get ready and we go. We get there to a chain up preventing access to the car park. I text to find out if there is work and get a response that it will be another 50 minutes. Go to the grocery store because I am trying so hard not to let the depression take control. My method to keep the depression away is to try and keep busy and going. The waiting to see if there would be work was extremely difficult. It was like a confirmation that I should have just stayed in bed even though I need the money. When the time came and the chain was still up and no one had shown up gave it about 10 more minutes and then left.
Got home and I am still trying to keep the depression from grabbing, it would be so easy to not talk to any of my friends and just come straight to my room and laid down in silence. But I forced myself to go talk to my one friend. I ended up just laying on his bed, forcing myself to talk to him until I talked my mind into opening this laptop. So easy to just keep this laptop closed but here I am, writing this instead. I just want to keep busy. I asked my friends to do things even though I do not want to actually do it. I just need to do something so I don’t give in. Still no plans until later. I need to keep busy or those plans will get cancelled. I can’t.
The struggle to keep fighting is because once it takes hold…it could days or…..weeks before I can get back out. My depression is not a functioning one. I found out when I finally went to the doctors that I have been functioning with anxiety my entire life until I developed the depression. In fact, anxiety is actually what helped me function for a long time. Anxiety of failure and disappointing the people in my life is why I did things even when I didn’t enjoy it. Now, even though I still have the anxiety, the depression makes it so bad that I can’t function.
All I want to do is just lay in silence staring into nothing or watch something sad that I can cry to so that when I eventually cry, it will be for a reason.
It’s now been almost 2 hours of writing this and I just keep writing to be doing something.